


Souvenir

by Cryingravens



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst and Humor, Attempt at Humor, Awesome Phil Coulson, BAMF Natasha, Badass SHIELD Agents, Clint shouldn't be allowed to shop, Coulson might be a hoarder, Fanboy Phil Coulson, Gen, Humor, I Tried, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Phil Coulson Has the Patience of a Saint, Phil Coulson Is a Good Bro, SHIELD, Sappy Ending, Sexual Humor, inappropriate souvenirs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-08
Updated: 2014-04-08
Packaged: 2018-01-18 16:45:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1435603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cryingravens/pseuds/Cryingravens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil doesn't know what possessed Clint to start buying him souvenirs. He doesn't know how Clint manages to find the things he finds. What he does know is that Clint shouldn't be allowed to buy gifts. Ever. </p><p> </p><p>This fic could also be titled:<br/>Five Souvenirs Coulson NEVER wanted to get and one that he loves more than life itself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Souvenir

**Author's Note:**

> Two of the five things were seemingly deleted for some unknown reason when I posted this. I fixed it. YAY! Sorry for the inconvenience.

It was after a long mission in Japan that Clint Barton burst into Phil’s office and dropped a wrapped package on his desk.

“What is the occasion?” Phil asked, looking up from his report briefly to look at his asset.

“It’s a souvenir.”

Phil gave a smile and carefully undid the tape that held the paper. When the small figurine fell into his hand he almost dropped it in shock.

“Barton what is this?”

“That is a tentacle sex figurine that I found in a Japanese vending machine. You can put the tentacles in three different locations, sir.”

“What would I possibly want with this? I can’t even display it.”

“You can add her to your collection sir.”

“What collection?”

“She’s supposedly a gender bent Captain America.”

Phil took a deep steadying breath.

“Let me get this straight. You thought bringing me a female version of my childhood hero that is apparently being..” Phil blew out yet another deep breath, unable to find enough words for why the entire situation was just wrong.

“Japan is a magical place sir.”

“I think we may need to reassess what you consider “magical” in a good sense of the word. Thank you for the...thoughtful gift.”

>\----------->

“That is from the Yule Lads figurine collection.”

Phil nodded solemnly and continued to stare. “I see.”

“It’s known as the “Sheep Worrier”. Honestly, if I were the sheep I would be worried too.”

“You said it was from Iceland?” Phil asked as he finally tore his eyes from the rather disturbing figurine.

Barton was covered from head to toe in soot, his cheeky grin smiling bright white from amidst all the dirt.

“Yes.”

“May I ask what your thought process was when buying this figurine?”

“You, sir, don’t take shit from anyone. You are someone that doesn’t follow like a sheep, instead you show the sheep whose boss and-”

Phil held up a hand to stop the asset before he began to rub the bridge of his nose.

“You sir, are not a sheep.” Barton finished trying to rub his hand clean on his equally dirty pants.

“Thank you...I think..”

<\----------<

“Does this say it’s made from genuine kangaroo scrotum?”

Clint nodded from his lounged place on the couch. “That it does.”

“You went to Australia and brought me back a kangaroo scrotum? Most people would think a boomerang-”

“It’s cause you’ve got the biggest balls in the company and I thought you might need added support.”

Phil’s eyes closed and he took a steadying breath. “And what about the kangaroo paw bottle opener?”

“That was for shits and giggles. Don’t worry sir, the kangaroos are only hunted during kangaroo season and these products ensure that all of their parts are used.”

“Thank you for that insight.”

>\---------->

Phil looked at the decorative bottle that Clint had set on his desk. “Is that a cobra?”

“Better than just a cobra. It’s a cobra submerged in whiskey.”

Phil’s brow crinkled and he picked up the bottle and looked at the snake placed within it.

“Does it have another snake in it’s mouth?”

Clint continued to clean the dirt from underneath his nails with his field knife. “Yes. I thought it would speak to you since how bad ass is a snake killing another weaker snake? If there is nothing else anyone can say about you, sir. You are a badass.”

“I see.” Phil set the bottle down and looked at the agent. “Thank you. You said it was from the mission in Thailand?”

“Yup. I recommend just keeping it as a decorative thing though.”

“Do I want to ask?”

“Cheap whiskey with a dead snake in it isn’t actually great tasting.”

<\----------<

The bag was hideous. It shade of disgusting brown with an odd texture to match. It was almost like a faux leather that no one would ever truly want to town. On top of all these undesirable traits it was shaped like a toad. Disfigured and clearly disgusting, but it was unmistakable as a toad.

“What is that?” Phil said motioning at the hideous bag with his pen.

“Cane Toad purse.” Natasha said as she dropped two files on his desk.

“Far be it from me to question your fashion tastes...”

“It’s yours. Clint is in the infirmary and asked me to deliver it to you.” Her sickeningly sweet smile made Phil’s insides cringe. “He gave me some line of bullshit about how you much you and the Australians are alike. Something about how you both take dangerous pests and turn them into something useful and profitable.”

“How high did they set the morphine drip?”

“No clue.”

“Wasn’t the mission in China?” Natasha nodded serenely.

“He made a pitstop in Australia. Apparently he forgot to get you something.”

“His logic for in stopping in Australia?”

“You can go to Walmart and get something from China. He wanted something unique you can’t really get here in the states.”

Phil took a deep breath and picked up the bag from his desk. “Would you tell him thank you for me? Please make it believable.”

>\---------->

It was supposed to be an in and out mission. They were supposed to be back before dinner. No one was supposed to get hurt. Then again no one is ever supposed to get hurt. They received faulty intel and now Coulson was pressing down on Clint’s chest willing the blood to stay in.

“Stay with me Barton.”

The medics were on their way and all Phil needed was a little more time and for Clint to bleed a little slower.

Clint coughed wetly and coated his teeth with more blood. “Sorry, sir. I didn’t mean to get shot.”

Phil gave a small smile. “Don’t worry I’ll make you do the paperwork for it.”

Clint’s laugh was cut short with a harsh cough that brought up more blood. Phil could hear the steady beat of the chopper blades in the distance.

“Just a little longer. They have blood on board and they can get you patched a bit better. You just need to stay with me until they touch down and get over here.”

The archer’s eyes were sliding closed just as the medics got there. Phil’s tie had been used to pack the wound and medics bound it with gauze and loaded the two agents into the chopper.

After three hours in surgery and another six spent sleeping, Clint awoke to the steady beep of machines and the scratching of pen on paper. He opened a bleary eye to see his weary looking handler. Phil sat up and gave the asset a soft smile.

“Welcome back, Barton.”

Clint smiled as Phil took a cup of water and offered it straw first to Clint.

“Thanks sir.” He wheezed after taking a long drink.

“How are you feeling? Any pain?” Phil asked as he set the cup back down.

“Nah, they’ve given me the good shit.”

Phil nodded solemnly. “That they have.”

“I am sad sir.”

“Why is that agent?”

“I didn’t get you anything from Burma.”

Phil gave a grin. “That is completely alright.”

“There was this guy who made these awesome little figurines though.”

“Clint, trust me. I’d rather have you than a souvenir. I did, however, manage to get you something.”

“You did?”

Phil reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small vial. Inside was a rather damaged and dented bullet. He took Clint’s hand and dropped the vial into it.

“This is the bullet they took out of you. The first bullet you’ve ever taken for SHIELD.”

Clint smiled lightly and held it up. “Little fucker. You keep your first?”

“I did. My handler gave me my first bullet, so I got you yours. Hopefully this is the only bullet you ever have to take.”

“Awesome gift sir.”

Phil nodded and gave another smile. “Not as good as you making it home agent.”

Phil’s odd collection of souvenirs steadily grew. Some of them actually were displayed in his home, the look of them or the story behind them too unique to not be told to anyone. The bottle of snake whiskey sat in his office on the shelf behind his desk, but the overly odd or even offensive souvenirs were kept in his quarters on the helicarrier.

The space was reserved for extra storage and the very unlikely chance Phil couldn’t get to his apartment to sleep. Now it served as a place to store several frightening clown statues, a burlesque troll figurine, the countless souvenirs from Japan, and a didgeridoo.

His once proud Captain America collection now contained a themed sombrero, an entire gender bent and highly sexualized set of Howling Commandos, a marionette, and countless other oddities that Clint felt would vaguely fit into his collection. Back water towns with hand carved statues from questionable materials were often bought out or a custom figure was commissioned to look like Captain America for Phil to add to his collection. All in all, it was an odd assortment, but none as odd as the man who bought it all for him. Happily enough, the man was Phil’s favorite souvenir of them all.

**Author's Note:**

> Almost every single one of the souvenirs I described are REAL and ACTUAL souvenirs. Seriously. (With the exception of a gender bent cap with tentacles. It's only a generic girl with tentacles, which I actually bought to give to a friend while I was in Japan.) The listed items in Coulson's quarters on the helicarrier are not all real though. Many apologies. 
> 
> Just a quick something that came to me today. Read by IRL friend Kay after she told me that one if my fics might be a bit too dark....
> 
> So you guys get something light hearted and fun to read or at least I hope it's fun to read. 
> 
> Any ideas or prompts? Let me know in the comments!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
